I'll be the first to admit: I didn’t go to film school. I never took any kind of screenplay writing class, television or otherwise, but I do watch a good deal of TV, and I just know there has to be a better way to develop plotlines and character arcs without simply turning everyone into a total creep show. Alas, that appears to be "90210"'s strategy this season, so let's rank us some creepiness.
1. Mr. Cannon
Still teaching at West Bev despite his penchant for raping his students, Cannon is assigned to be Silver's senior year adviser. I didn't have this at my high school, but it apparently involves teachers giving one-on-one lectures about things like their wives leaving them and their hatred for other students in the school, in this case Naomi. Needless to say, Silver loves this class. Cannon steals Silver's scarf and invites her to a late-night editing session to watch him work on his documentary on lions. An obvious enough metaphor for Cannon and his prey, but seriously, this guy was able to spend months shooting footage of lions in Africa and he has to use the high school editing equipment to finish his film? He spends most of his "editing" time telling Silver about how Naomi was obsessed with him last year and then repeatedly watches footage of her when she leaves. The Creepiest
2. Naomi
It's Naomi's 18th birthday, and she finally inherits her very large trust fund (despite a very compelling slideshow argument made by Jen). Naomi uses the next five hours to plan an extensive birthday bash. This includes procuring invitations, cakes, bottles of water and temporary tattoos screen-printed with her face, booking Adrian Grenier’s band Vampire Weekend (kidding, I know it's The Honey Brothers, but really Vince?), and trying to run Cannon over with her car. She even finds time to spin an elaborate story to Silver about why she hit on Teddy at Joanna's party: She was obviously drugged. Naomi is caught in her roofie lie when she remembers taking a cab home and when she finally tells the truth about Cannon attacking her, Silver doesn't believe her. Pretty Creepy (And Sad)
3. Charlie
Another new character was introduced last night (nope, it wasn't Joe Jonas yet!) Theater student Charlie (Evan Ross, son of Diana) appears to be cast as yet another stalker for Annie. Charlie has one thing going for him that Jasper didn't though—he's Liam's half-brother! Whoever made this casting decision has some family tree explaining to do, but in the meantime, Charlie shows up at West Bev, hangs out in empty parking garages and impresses Annie with his raspy ramblings on all things stage-related. To reiterate, he does not watch "My Super Sweet 16," okay? New Guy Creepy
4. Oscar
Oh Oscar, I am still confused why you are in the halls of West Bev when I thought you said you graduated high school in Australia? Anyway, we found out last week that Oscar has his eyes on Ivy while his you-know-what is in her mom. His obvious goal is to break up Ivy and Dixon, leaving Ivy vulnerable and alone. He befriends Dixon (and Teddy and Navid) and takes the boys out for a bloody good time. Enter the bachelorette party of girls ready for a good time in the form of body shots. One lick of salt off Dixon's rather soft-looking belly and the rest is Facebook history. Of course only a group of 17-year-old boys, two beers in, would think a bachelorette party would be celebrating at a dive bar at 4 p.m., so maybe they deserve what they got, because of course the whole thing was set-up and paid for by Oscar. Stupid Creepy
5 . Liam
Liam started off so well last night. Clearing the air with Naomi, setting up a romantic sunset evening on his boat for Annie. That is until it turned out it wasn't his boat. Liam was a little too thrilled to be running from the boat's rightful owner, revealing he had been "boat-squatting" all summer. Isn’t that wonderful!? Hiding in the docks while the police looked for them, Annie reminded her formerly thoughtful and sweet date of the fact that she was on probation at the moment, and being arrested for trespassing probably wasn't the best idea. It's Not Cool To Break The Law Creepy
6. Silver
Yes, Silver was the victim most of last night. Her best friend lied to her, her boyfriend lied to her, her senior adviser lied to her. She was constantly being reminded of her deceased alcoholic mother. But there was something about Silver's relationship with Mr. Cannon—telling him how "smart and great and wonderful" he was, seeking him out for the late-night editing session—that just didn't sit right. We are inundated with teacher-student love affairs, but when the teacher is a legitimate rapist and not some fresh-out-of-college newbie, the line has to be drawn. Too Short-Hair/Rapist Love Creepy
And for the record, Ryan looks terrible this year. What happened to him? And will the kids have any fun this year? Kids do still do that I think, I'm not that far out of high school ...
What did you think about last night's "90210"?
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