by Cassie Title
Things I’ve learned from "The Vampire Diaries": publicly belting out "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles will get me a smooch from Zach Roerig; being ridiculously mean to Ian Somerhalder will cement his love for me; and it is never, ever a good idea to hesitate upon hearing a doorbell ring.
All of these life lessons come to fruition, thanks to a girls’ night with Elena, Bonnie, Caroline and Jenna. The only thing that would improve this romp is if Katherine were to join. Oh, right. Elena mentions this sarcastically, but I’m not sure why—it sounds like an excellent idea.
Still, there’s enough going on. All of the girls are hiding something (what’s new?) except for Jenna, whom everyone else is hiding something from (even bigger surprise.) Caroline can’t figure out how to be with Matt without telling him that she’s capable of being a blood sucking murderer, Bonnie’s nervous about Elena’s reaction to her budding romance with Jeremy and Elena is finally contemplating revealing to Jenna that Stefan and his brother are 145-year-old vampires, that her death is the key to breaking a centuries-old supernatural curse, that part of that curse means that she’s a doppelganger and thus there’s an (amazingly) psychotic vampire-bitch roaming around Mystic Falls who’s completely identical to her and that her birth mom/Alaric’s "dead wife" is actually a vampire who’s kicking it with her doppelganger and (potentially) evil uncle. Yeah, good luck with that.
Girls' night gives Damon and Katherine a chance to bond, and by bond, I mean she wrenches his heart apart continually. Why were you so in love with her, Damon? In this episode alone, she does a number of things that do not warrant such affection. Exhibit A: She knew you would die if you used the dagger on Elijah, and still planned for you to go through with it. Exhibit B: She did this because she made a deal with John: She’ll help with Klaus if he saves a Salvatore brother of her choice. (She can only choose one.) Can you guess which brother she chose?
Despite Katherine’s insanity (WHO. DOESN’T. WANT. DAMON’S. UNDYING. LOVE?) and malicious behavior (SERIOUSLY. WHO. DOESN’T. WANT. DAMON’S. UNDYING. LOVE?), she’s still my favorite character, ever, and if they kill her off (you hear me, Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson?), I am officially over this show. So thank goodness that Damon saves her from an invisible stake (in addition to stealing other witches’ powers with a mere incantation and head rub, witches can apparently teleport themselves to the Salvatore house while remaining invisible in order to take the dagger out of Elijah). Unfortunately, Damon kills Luka in the process, and Jonas (who is fully to blame—what kind of father puts his son in that much danger?) is incredibly vengeful.
Jonas heads to the Grill to capture Elena, and he’s just in time! Now that Caroline serenaded Matt and they’re making out in the bathroom and Bonnie delivered a fantastic line to Elena about dating Jeremy, the boring plot lines are tied up, so there’s room for a supernatural crisis. Katherine impersonates Elena and kills Jonas, but not before he gives Bonnie her powers back and tells her how to kill Klaus in a flash of witch telepathy. I can only assume that he’s told her how to channel the power from the witch burial ground. According to Katherine, "Emily Bennett told me about the massacre. It was a big deal in witch folklore. When a witch dies violently they release a mystical energy marking the place of their death with power." Despite Katherine’s inability to employ proper grammar (subject-verb agreement, girl!), her knowledge, combined with the info that Jonas gave Stefan, tells us what Elijah was planning: he "had no weapon to kill Klaus. But he believed that if a witch could channel enough power" she "wouldn’t need one."
Another thing Katherine helps with? The fact that Damon may know the witch burial ground’s location. He’s not giving anything up to her, though, (although I wish he would, if you know what I’m saying. Homeboy waited 145 years just to kiss the chick again, and now, with ample opportunity, he’s over it? I feel like I’ve been waiting 145 years for a Katherine-Damon moment. Cue the kiss scene from "The Return," which I may have played on repeat 50 or 60 times.)
And for my favorite part of the episode, Katherine, wearing a sexy nightgown, begins the following exchange in Damon’s bed:
Katherine: You hurt me today.
Damon: Tit for tat.
Katherine: You were mean, and very rough and monstrous.
Damon: You deserved it.
Katherine: I like this Damon.
(And they’re almost, sort of, making out!)
Damon: Katherine, you are sexy. (Oh wait. He doesn’t actually say that, it just sounds like it. Wishful thinking on my part?) What he really says: Katherine, there are six other bedrooms in this house. Go find one.
And then he pushes her off the bed! Fierce. I would happily allow Damon to push me off his bed.
Happily.
But Matt may not feel that way about Caroline anymore. Before meeting his end, Mr. Warlock tries to harm the Grill patrons to find Elena, and Matt is totally in his way. Jonas shreds Matt's neck and he's dying, so Caroline feeds him some of her blood. When he wakes up, he’s far from understanding, though. In fact, he thinks Caroline had something to do with Vicki’s death! Is this the end of Catt? Maroline? (Maybe they are doomed. What great couple doesn’t have a merging of their names that sounds good?)
And now we get to the doorbell. Oh, Elena. Since you haven’t yet told your aunt about anything, you can never, ever, let her answer the door again! Didn’t you learn your lesson when she accidentally invited Katherine inside? And there it is. Isobel. Hello.
I’m gasping. No new episodes until April 7th?! How could you do this to me, CW? What am I going to do?
Are you psyched to find out why Isobel’s back? What’s going to happen with Caroline and Matt? Are you happy that Elena’s cool with Bonnie and Jeremy dating? Will Alaric and Elena come clean to Jenna? How do you feel about the loss of Luka? Let us know in the comments!
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