With Joe Lee's choke chain pulling tighter around his neck, it looks like Tommy may have snarfed his last Snausage. He slumps to the ground unconscious...only to leap up when Joe Lee's back is turned. There's some scuffling, and Joe Lee goes down, and so does Melinda, who gets knocked aside in an attempt to save her abusive d-bag of a husband. And now they're dead!
Having killed three-quarters of his family, Tommy seeks help at Big Brotha's House, where the ever-forgiving Sam agrees to help him dispose of the bodies. Their plan hits a brief snag when Andy "Aggro Addict" Bellefleur pulls the van over and demands to search the back, but Tommy makes the first good decision of his life and shifts into a big, scary alligator rather than murdering Andy with a shovel. And out in the dark, dank swamp, Sam and Tommy watch as Mom and Joe Lee become gator chow. Tommy is suddenly worried about going to hell, so Sam comforts him by confessing that he, too, has killed people. Aww! Nothing like a little brotherly bonding between a pair of murderin' fools.
It's not easy being King
Bill's break up with Bigcheeks Bellefleur didn't take: she's back with a bunch of legal arguments about how they can still do the sex to each other even though she's his many-times-removed granddaughter. His response? He glamours the dickens out of her! Which I mention not because it's a significant plot point, but because watching her scream and flee in terror is so, so satisfying. Smell ya later, Bigcheeks!
Meanwhile, Pam shows Bill her necrotized face. She wants permission to kill the witches; Bill says no, but maybe some extra lipstick would help? Meanwhile, he has Marnie brought back and placed in a cell, where she discreetly goes into a flashback trance. There's Flickerface Witch again, this time locked in an old-school prison with a half dozen fellow witches. Marnie watches in horror as a group of priests enter, pull a screaming woman from the group, and... HOLYOMG THEY'RE VAMPIRES! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, indeed.
Back in the present, Bill glamours Marnie and learns that no, she really doesn't know how she made Pam's face melt. A sheriffs meeting is convened for the purposes of exposition: yes, necromancy can be bad news for vampires, and yes, vampire priests are a Thing. Pam, now falling apart piece by piece, goes into full angry panic mode and accidentally blurts out the truth about Eric, including where he's been staying. Which is bad, because...
We got grabbin'!
Back at chez Stackhouse, Eric is watching Sookie sleep when who should appear over his shoulder but...Godric! Eric's maker suggests that the two of them suck down a nice, warm Sookie cocktail and go sun-strolling together. When Eric says no, Godric tells him that he's a creature of death, incapable of love, and to stop fighting his nature.
So they bite her!
No they don't! It's all a dream. Eric wakes up, fangs out and heads for Sook's bedroom. (Pause your DVR here for a drool-worthy shot of A-Skars standing in the doorway wearing nothing but a pair of athletic shorts. UNNNGH.)
"Uhhh... I had a bad dream," he says.
Aww! Sad Eric needs cuddles! He climbs into bed with Sookie, and there is cute spooning.
The next day, Sookie goes looking for answers about just what happened to Eric and finds her way to Marnie's store, where she asks the old witch for a reading—and where, thanks to her psychic abilities, she can listen in on Marnie's afterlife party line. Bad news: She hears her Granny warning her that Eric's amnesia is temporary, Marnie is dangerous and to run. RUN! (She runs.)
Cut to Sook and Tara, having a heart-to-heart on the couch. Tara's all, "Yep, I like ladies now," and Sookie's all, "That's cool," but Tara needs advice: her cover got blown, and her relationship is on the rocks. Sook advocates for honesty and suggests that Tara leave now...right now, actually! Before she sees Sookie's latest roommate! But too late: Eric appears, Tara predictably freaks and runs—but not before running down a convenient list of Eric's past offenses.
"Did I really do all those horrible things?" he asks. When she admits that yeah, he did, he's so horrified that he tries to leave. But Sookie chases after him, and...
...aaaaaand...
...THEY TOTALLY MAKE OUT.
And now, a few Bon Temps bullets:
- With two bewitched vampires in the can, Laf and Jesus make for Mexico, where they'll be safer, and also where they can get some help from Jesus' own grandpa manwitch. (Fashback to Little Jesus and his magic Abuelo, magically stabbing a goat to death.) Laf understandably balks at heading for the home of a psycho goat-killer; Jesus says they need the goat-killing Force to defeat the evil vamps. Of course they do.
- Arlene and Terry, trying to rid their house of Rene's evil presence, bring in an exorcist...in the form of Reverend Daniels, Lettie Mae and their Devil-Ejecting Tambourine Extravaganza. Does it work? They think so! But while they kiss and bond over their ghost-free home, a pack of matches spontaneously combusts. Uh-oh.
- Jason, who may or may not be about to become a werepanther, tells Hoyt that he thinks God is punishing him for having too much sex. Hoyt, attempting to empathize, tells Jason that Jessica is being weird and distant. Jason is all, "Yeah, I think being raped by a dozen panthers is worse?" Also, weird sex dreams!
- And, in the obligatory Alcide check-in: Our favorite burly werewolf opens his door to find Marcus Boseman, Shreveport packmaster, on his porch. Marcus doesn't approve of Alcide's freelance werewolfing and wants him to join the pack; Alcide tells him to get lost. And... that's it. Boring! But better than watching them settle this little territory dispute by peeing on things.
What did you think of last night's "True Blood"? Are Sookie and Eric totally going to get it on? Is Jason headed for life as a werepanther? And how long until Sam and Tommy's relationship goes bust again? Tell us in the comments and on Twitter!
** Hollywood Crush Twitter