We were all on tenterhooks after last week's "Jessica meets the sun" cliffhanger, but the "True Blood" suspense doesn't last long: Jason tackles her as she starts to sizzle, pushes her inside, and kicks the door closed behind him. Not only that, but when the spell breaks a half-second later, they totally make out...
...which prompts Jess to head home as soon as she heals and instantly break up with Hoyt. He blubbers and sobs and begs her to stay, telling her he'll die if she doesn't love him. Jessica's response?
"Then DIE!" she screams, and smashes his head in!
And then goes outside to meet Jason!
Who suggests that they have sex right then and there while she drinks his blood!
And it's all just a little too much, which is why we're not surprised when it turns out to be just a dream—albeit one that reveals a lot about how Jessica feels about Hoyt these days. But when she actually does go home to break his heart, the real Hoyt is cold, angry and mean. He hurls accusations, says some very nasty things about her vampire-issue eternal virginity and then rescinds her invitation to their house.
Well, okay: The better for Jess and Jason to finally seal the deal, right? WRONG. When she tells him what she's done, he's overcome by bros-before-hos loyalty and tells her to get lost, causing poor Jess to be forcibly flung out the door for the second time in a single evening while he stays inside and does the Pushups of Sexual Frustration. But maybe this will be what Jessica needs to finally become the bold, bad-ass vampire we all know she could be.
Meanwhile, Eric has lost about 90 percent of his neckflesh thanks to the silver—and he can't heal unless he feeds. Sookie's solution: taking their relationship to the next level. She invites him to drink from her, which he does, then bites himself in turn and holds out his bloody palm for her enjoyment. This must be the next next level! Or at least, it's a good reason to film a super-slo-mo, lens-flarey scene featuring an inexplicable indoor snowstorm, copious sex, a bunch of new age pillow talk and many, many long, lingering shots of Eric Northman's naked butt.
Eventually, the two come out of their blood-sucking sex fugue and talk about their future. Eric suggests fleeing Bon Temps, leaving the necromancing witches (and any hope of reclaiming his memory) behind them, but Sookie says no. Instead, the two head to vampire headquarters, where they offer their services to Bill and the cause. And so, off they all go to the Bon Temps cemetery—where Marntonia has agreed to meet with Bill, peacefully, to work out some sort of truce.
Or at least, that's the idea. But nothing goes as planned: Bill asks Marntonia to lift the curses she cast on Eric and Pam, but instead she starts casting a silent spell, which Sookie hears with her psychic powers, and then all hell breaks loose. Eric rips the heart out of one of the witches! Tara blows a vampire to smithereens! Sookie blasts someone with faerielight! Eric kills another witch! Bill commands Pam not to hurt Tara! And hide yo kids, hide yo wife, because Eric is killin' ERRBODY out here!
But uh-oh: In the ensuing melee, Sookie gets gutshot by a stray bullet. Bill and Eric both turn to help her—but Bill gets clotheslined by a silver-wielding witch, and Eric gets stopped cold by Marntonia. As Sookie collapses, he sinks to his knees in front of her... and although Sooks gets scooped up by surprise savior Alcide, it looks like Eric is down for the count. Is this the end of the new Eric Northman? Will we ever see that sleeveless hooded sweatshirt again?!
We'll just have to wonder, because that's the end. But before we wrap up, let's check in on those straggling plotlines:
-Andy Bellefleur's V addiction is still going strong—he actually tries to lick the steaming carcass of Maxine's true-dead neighbor. And now we know why: "It's the only time I feel like I'm not watching myself not living up to other people's expectations!"
-Tommy's adventures in skinwalking continue, as he impersonates Maxine to try and collect on the promised cash from the sale of her property rights. But he's not very good at it, he only gets about three percent of the expected haul, and when we last see him, he's passed out in the woods in a pool of his own vomit. Again.
-Lafayette's encounters with the crooning Creole ghost give way to visions, and boy, is this some backstory: She was the mistress of a married man, who killed their illegitimate baby rather than let his interracial infidelity come to light. And now, she's out for revenge! Or so it seems, since when Laf wakes up, the ghost jumps into his mouth and uses his body to break into the Bellefleur house and kidnap the baby.
-And finally, the Shreveport wolfpack's official stance on the witch-versus-vampire conflict is a Switzerland-style non-involvement... But after Debbie sees Alcide rush to save Sookie from the graveyard showdown, we're thinking that at least one werebitch might be about to choose sides.
Will Eric ever learn not to mess with Marnie? When do you think Debbie will snap? And are Jason and Jessica going to get it on or what? Tell us your thoughts and theories in the comments and on Twitter!
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