Let's just get this out of the way: Nobody actually thought Sookie was going to die on last night's "True Blood," right? Right.
Somewhere between the first scene and the end of the opening credits, Sooks apparently recovers from her gunshot wound enough to drink some of Bill's healing blood. Next thing, she's up like gangbusters and demanding that the search for Eric resume. Alcide, who's fed up with Sookie's loyalty-at-all-costs to the befanged, throws up his hands and flounces.
Alcide returns home to a fake-sleeping Debbie, who opens her glowing wolflady eyes to the scent of his NAKED BEAUTIFUL BUTT. OMG. Did that just happen? Yes, yes it did.
But more importantly, Sookie is right to be nervous. Eric is officially under Marntonia's control, and the witch has big plans for him: a command appearance at the vampires' big-deal tolerance festival. And we're starting to get a glimpse of just what an obsessive, unhinged bitch Antonia really is—when Tara, Holly and other coven members balk at her plans, she uses her powers to hold them all hostage. See, you guys? See? This is what happens when you just spontaneously resurrect a vengeful 16th century necromancer without thinking through all the consequences!
But first, some shifter shizz. Turns out, Sam knows just the thing to ease Luna's dysfunctional family drama: camping! Off they go to the safety of the forest...which means that when Marcus Boseman shows up at Merlotte's looking for a fight, Tommy gets the message instead. No surprise here: While Sam plays Pat The Bunny, "Sam" shows up and provokes the werewolves until they beat him to a pulp. Alcide, always the peacemaker, steps in and rescues him...which is good, since unconscious Tommy shifts back to his actual form and leaves the wolfpack with the realization that they all just whaled on the wrong dude.
What a girl wants
The ladies are front and center in this episode—including Lafayette, now an honorary member of the fairer sex since he's possessed with the spirit of Mavis the Creole Ghost. Lafayvis? Mafayette? Well, whatever you want to call him/her, he/she busts into Hoyt's house with the baby in one hand and a gun in the other. Shortly, Arlene plus Terry plus Hoyt plus Jason PLUS a V-jacked Andy Bellefleur are all out in the yard, shouting through the windows at Lafayvis, who shouts back in an incredible imitation of Creole patois and won't let anyone in.
Fortunately, Jesus shows up as things start to get hairy. (How biblical!) Armed with his manwitch skills, he enters the house and chats with Lafayvis, who gets off the "Dis my bay-bee!" bandwagon long enough to be all, "Wait a second, since when do I have a wiener?!" From there, it's only a matter of witchy skills and a burning candle to get Mavis to relive her death, give the baby back and lead everyone out to the backyard site where her murderous lover buried his dirty deeds. Cradling her baby's bones, she accepts her fate...and Jesus, expert brujo, conducts her spirit to the netherworld while the group looks on in awe.
And in other ladynews, Sookie wakes up from a red-lingerie-clad sex dream (featuring both Bill and Eric, who she says she loves equally) just as Debbie officially falls off the wagon of V sobriety. High as a kite, she shows up at Sook's house to offer assistance—which Sookie accepts after listening in on her thoughts and deciding that she's sincere. What now? It's off to Marntonia's, where Debbie distracts the witch by offering werewolf allegiance and Sookie finds the spellbound Eric hidden in a back room. He can't go with Sookie, he mutters; he's going to kill the King.
Tara comes up behind Sookie with a gun just as Debbie sells Sookie out to Marntonia—and hey, if anyone knows for sure at this point which side Debbie is playing, please feel free to chime right in? Because I've got nothing.
"Are you even listening to me?" Tara yells at Sookie, and then tele-yells at her with a brilliant escape plan. Off goes the gun, off runs Sook and Marntonia, furious, traps the whole crew in the Wiccan shop while she heads to the festival with suck-up Roy, right on the heels of Sookie and Deb. Eric goes in first, and soon the witch has five vampires under her control, and...well, mayhem. Human guards die! Entrails are everywhere! The bewitched vamps dash into the crowd and hurl people bodily into the air! And, of course, Sookie shows up just in time to dramatically shout Bill's name from the back of a crowded room—and just as Eric flashes toward him with murder on his mind.
What will happen? Who will triumph? Is this the end of all hope for the Vampire Tolerance Movement? ...Who knows! But I can tell you this, y'all: Jason and Jessica?
THEY TOTALLY BONED.
Are you oh-so excited Jason and Jessica did it? Whose side is Debbie on? And who will save Bill? Sound off in the comments and on Twitter!