So much for peace, love and tolerance. Martonia watches from above while her bewitched vamps go on a bloody tear through the Festival of Tolerance, all muttering, "Must... kill... the king!" in the same manner that a stumbling pack of zombies hollers for braaaaaaaaains. But wait, because this fight isn't over: Nan Flanagan destroys the cameras and stakes a would-be assassin with a pencil! Bill wounds his attackers with silver bullets! And, just when it looks like Eric might actually succeed in killing Bill, Sookie's on-again, off-again Faerie Weaponry comes on with its typical, day-saving vengeance. Eric is enveloped by a blast of golden light...
...and it all comes back.
We'll pause here while everyone sniffles, wrings their hands and mourns the sad-but-inevitable loss of that hooded sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. (I know, I know; he was actually starting to look really cute in it.)
Adieu, little shifter
And now that we're done mourning the loss of Eric's Amnesia Hoodie, let's talk about poor Tommy the Skinwalker, whose arc of deception and thievery over the last two seasons has set him up for the perfect late-game act of martyrdom. Beaten to a pulp by Marcus Boseman and the Shreveport werewolves, he spews blood all over Alcide's car and begs to be taken "home." Where's home?, asks Alcide.
Well, Merlotte's, of course.
Tommy says no to a life-saving infusion of vampire blood, and so Sam desperately sits beside him while he chokes and coughs and generally bleeds from the face. They talk about heaven. Tommy apologizes for everything; Sam forgives. And then there's this:
"You were the best part of my life," Tommy says.
"You're loved," Sam says. "I love you."
...What? Crying? Of course I'm not crying! I was just watching "True Blood" and cutting an onion.
A lonely, illiterate onion that just wanted a family.
SADDEST ONION EVER.
But back in Bon Temps, there's no time for tears: Sam, who just watched his last living family member expire, vows revenge. He returns with Alcide to the scene of the crime, where one of the wolf pack makes the mistake of getting uppity. Ass is kicked! Names are taken! And we are really, seriously digging the butt-kicking Avenger Sam of Brotherly Love! Especially since he and Alcide may or may not be about to discover Marcus Boseman, back at Alcide's house, putting the moves on Debbie. UH-OH.
Guilt trips
Meanwhile, it's time for everyone to feel bad about something:
-Marntonia, surveying the bloody scene before her, suddenly starts to question the whole "wanton murder of innocent people" thing.
-Sookie, confronted with I-remember-everything-but-I-still-love-you Eric, oozes with guilt as she's torn between two lovers.
-Andy Bellefleur, confronted by Terry with his addiction, feels really, really bad about himself and vows to get clean.
-And Jason Stackhouse, still panting from his vehicular sex romp with Jessica, suddenly freaks out about Hoyt and asks her to glamour him into forgetting it happened.
Oh, Stackhouse. What the hell, dude.
And while Jessica exits the truck in disgust, Marntonia heads back to the Moon Goddess Emporium. She continues to argue with herself over the proper protocol for vampire extinction; meanwhile, Holly convinces Tara that the two of them have enough pissed-off witchpower to carry off a jailbreak. Which is a good plan, since Bill—in open defiance of Nan—is hell-bent on killing Marnie and plans to firebomb the shop no matter who's in it.
Oh, and here's a twist: We've all been thinking that evil Antonia was holding the reins on poor, impressionable Marnie? But actually, it's Marnie who's the murderous lunatic! Surpriiiiiise! (Although really, we'd expect no less than catastrophic levels of evil from Petunia Dursley.)
We want moor!
And because we're getting down to the big finale and all the major characters have to congregate in the same place, Jesus, Lafayette, Jason and Sookie decide to preempt Bill's bombing plan with a bid for peaceful resolution. While the other three wait (and Sookie tele-listens in), Jesus proves his loyalty to Marntonia by powering through her protection spell; safely inside the shop, he pledges devotion to the cause. But he's taken by surprise when he learns that Marnie is running the show—and not only that, Marntonia wants him to bring "the moor" on board, as Layafette's powerful witchy gifts have not gone unnoticed. And it's all on Jesus now! Can he carry off this deception?
...Just kidding, we'll never know. Because Tara and Holly summon enough spell-casting strength to break out of the shop. Sookie and Lafayette run toward them; they run toward Sooks and Laf; all four get snagged in the golden glow of Marntonia's protection spell; and, in a flash of light, everyone vanishes.
Except Jason Stackhouse.
Because Jessica is about to bust out of a vampire van, decked out in leather and ready to kill everything with a bazooka, and he needs to be there to see it.
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