by Cassie Title
By now, faithful readers, you’ve come to know me a little bit. And I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been a little confused about what show it is that we’ve actually been watching. With references to "The Secret Circle" and "Gossip Girl," you can’t really blame me. But it all made sense tonight: the sappy music, the desperate longing on Elena and Stefan’s faces when the director switched frames during their missed phone connection, the pain in Damon’s eyes when he picked up Elena’s call, the fact that Rebekah was RIGHT THERE in his bed and left at exactly the same time Elena arrived, the bizarre reference to the actual title of this show (Stefan writing in a diary!) that producers forgot about—with good reason—two seasons ago, Klaus telling Caroline that he wants to know her hopes, her dreams, everything. We’ve been watching a soap opera, and it’s more than fitting that this episode’s name hearkened to the mother (get it?) of daytime TV. Plus, Esther wants to kill all her children. In short, it was a meandering, plot-heavy episode, so let's get down to it:
1. Elijah took Elena to a clearing in the woods, and started to give her some Original history lessons. The natives did this here, the village looked like this then, until splat! All her lies blew up in her face when he figured out Esther’s true plan. So, he did what any all-powerful being would do when faced with imminent death: He dug a hole in the ground, and took a literal leap of faith that by keeping Elena hostage underground (with an angry mercenary Rebekah on orders to kill her if she ran) the Salvatore brothers would stop Esther’s spell.
2. So, it became time for the dynamic duo to come up with a plan. Elijah explained his deal, and Damon retorted with his usual wit:
"I’m embarrassed to admit, but when it comes to killing 1,000-year old resurrected witches, I’m a little rusty." Oh, Damon, you are something.
And the conclusion? Esther was channeling the entirety of the Bennett bloodline—living and dead—but needed mother and daughter to complete the energy flow. If someone was to break the bloodline, she would lose the power to do the spell. So now we’re all thinking that Damon or Stefan has to kill—OMG!—Bonnie or Abby.
3. Since Elena would never forgive them, Damon came up with a less diabolical plan: Alaric daggered Kol, because if one of them got daggered, all of them would be daggered. Except, Klaus didn’t get affected, the dagger was taken out of Kol and Elijah showed up demanding that they give up the witches’ location or Rebekah would kill Elena stat.
4. Plan B: the brothers flipped a coin to see who was going to do the dirty deed. And then Damon TURNED ABBY INTO A FREAKING VAMPIRE. Well, that is one clever way to end the Bennett blood line, because as we all know, you cannot be a witch and a vampire. And yet again, Damon saved Stefan from himself, because he actually won the coin toss, but did the unforgivable thing so that Stefan would have a chance to redeem himself for Elena (and I guess himself.) Because as Damon said: "I thought I could win her from you fair and square. It’s for the best though, that she didn’t want me. I’m better at being the bad guy, anyway." Oh, yes you are.
5. Since the spell went wrong, everybody fled except for Rebekah and Klaus. Elijah even left Elena a heartfelt apology note. But Rebekah told Klaus something important: On the cave where the natives wrote the Original family history, there’s a discrepancy with dates. Remember that ancient white oak tree? The one the Originals burnt to the ground so that no one could kill them? Well, a new one was planted somehow—a whole 300 years after they fled to the New World. Something fishy’s going on—they can still die—and I sense some sort of scuffle a’coming.
6. Meredith—or shall we say the sexy, psycho doctor—brought Ric to her house to help him recuperate. But then he got up and found all sorts of medical records, and the supposed Gilbert weapon that killed Bill and Brian and almost killed Ric. And then he looked up. And then Meredith said: You weren’t supposed to see him. And then she shot him! OMG SHE FREAKING SHOT HIM! AND THEN THERE WERE A LOT MORE SHOTS! OMG OMG OMG IS RIC DEAD? AGGGGGGGGGH!
And now we’re deprived, again, until March 15. We’ve gone through this so many times, Julie and Kevin, I don’t even know what to say. Just that I’m very, very, very disappointed in you.
What did you think of this episode? Should we start referring to Damon as Damon the Vampire Gigalo? Are we going to delve deeper into Rebekah’s mommy and daddy issues? Is Klaus going to help his siblings do away with the only weapon that could kill them? Have the Originals really all dispersed, or will we get to see them again? If it was a full moon, why didn’t Tyler come back? Are you stoked to see the Damon/Sage flashback episode?! Is Esther really gone? Will Bonnie ever be able to forgive Elena for causing her so much pain? What’s going to happen with Abby?! Tell me, tell me, tell me. We have another long month ahead of us, and I intend to spend every waking moment discussing these poignant issues with you. Below, or on Twitter. So let’s get talking, friends. Let’s get talking.
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