by Cassie Title
It's been so long (five whole months!) since we’ve last seen new episodes of "The Vampire Diaries" that I’ve started to become delusional. Seriously, guys. When I read the season four premiere title, "Growing Pains," I was convinced it was an adage to that '80s-'90s sitcom. And when I started watching, I was all like: Where’s Kirk Cameron? Where’s Alan Thicke? Where’s 16 year-old homeless Leo? If you think about it, it’s not that crazy of a thought. I mean, Simon Camden did turn into a werewolf on this show. But sadly, the title was no reference to the Seavers. It was just about the obvious: namely, Elena’s transition to becoming a VAMPIRE.
Yes, yes. Homegirl’s a bloodsucker now. It’s all very exciting.
What else was exciting? Let’s see.
Apparently, I didn't need to remind you of the five things you should remember before the premiere, because the show actually did it for me! That whole, "For a century, I’ve lived in secret..." beginning voiceover was replaced with something that was actually really efficient, covering basically everything up to the end of last season. It was like the best 30 second recap I’ve ever seen in my life.
Lights were getting all freaky around Elena. This is not actually important, but it made me wonder. Why were the lights getting weird when Jeremy and Elena spoke? Was it just part of the craziness that was her mind while she was transitioning? Wait! Elena, can you do things with YO MIND now? Does she have MAGIC POWERS? One can only hope...
Damon was pissed, obviously. He needed to just get over it. It was sweet that he wanted Elena to grow old and have a life and whatever, but considering how many times this girl almost died, he had to know that she couldn’t escape it for that much longer. He was so pissed, actually, that he tried to kill Matt, who he felt should’ve died instead of Elena, before he was stopped by some people; I think it was Meredith and Liz?
A new vampire hunter came to town. Honestly, these Mystic Falls Founders Council hooligans need to just get a life. You are not protecting people from the right vampires. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. Just stop trying to fight them; I am going to die of boredom! I’m talking to you, Pastor Young. You are mad creepy, yo. I know you’re all important and your daughter’s going to be a character but you kidnapped Elena to keep her safe with you, and then when you thought she might be a vampire you locked her up with Rebekah and Stefan (in separate cages, of course) in your cattle ranch, which was convenient. And then, after Stefan and Rebekah tricked a guard into getting his head knocked against the bars of the cell, and then everyone escaped, you gathered all these council members I’ve never seen and decided to light everybody on fire to enter another world or something. That was just crazy, man. Should "Pastor" Young really be called "Freaky Cult Leader" Young? Like, what did you just do? I’m pretty sure everyone’s still going to be alive, so I’m quite interested to see.
Elena became a full-fledged vampire. After Stefan knocked that guard’s head, he started bleeding. And Elena, on the verge of dying 'cause she had no blood, pitifully reached, and reached, and reached, and then finally got some nourishment. And then she went outside and got all vamp mad at Damon, who was about to try to kill Matt, again. (He didn’t. Elena saved him.)
But not before Elena remembered everything Damon compelled her to forget! This was big, folks. The remembering was very cool; she actually saw the scenes replaying! And she saw when Damon told her he loved her. And she remembered that they met first! And she asked him why he didn’t tell her! And it was almost epic! But then it was just the same old Damon being selfish thing, and how Elena’s not okay with that, and how Damon knew that it wouldn’t have even mattered if she had known. What a virtuous vampire, Elena is. Slash what a lame one.
Stefan and Elena basically exchanged vows. She told him she had chosen him, they said they loved each other, and then after they escaped the cells, they sat on a roof, sappy music in the background, and I’m pretty sure Stefan slipped her daylight ring on as if he was proposing (despite the fact it was the middle finger).
Bonnie's in serious trouble with the witches for using dark magic. She tried to save Elena from the cages (she was supposed to be going to the other side and bringing her back from the dead, but it was really back from the cattle ranch), but Grams(!) showed up and warned her to stop. Except, she didn’t. Klaus forced her to do some dark magic again when he started ripping Tyler’s heart out. So, she returned him to his body, and Tyler was safe, but then Grams started desiccating, which freaked Bonnie out, except Grams is already dead, so I’m a little confused as to why it was such a big deal.
Klaus is still a jerk. Caroline and Rebekah were captured and restrained, and while vampire Barbie's bondage ensued (get it! ‘cause they were in bondage, and they were bonding!), Klaus as Tyler caused a commotion on the road to save Caroline, who still thought he was Tyler (don’t worry, it was cleared up later. But not before they almost had HOT HYBRID SEX in the woods!) He called Rebekah "sister," so she knew it was Klaus, and then after he got his body back, he snapped her neck in his mansion. Why does he still care so much about hybrids when he has Rebekah? HE HAS A FAMILY I DON’T GET IT.
Jeremy pretended to care that Bonnie was dying. He pretended, you see, because Jeremy OBVIOUSLY likes his ladies dead. Duh.
Pastor Freak took over the council. Both Liz and Carol have been demoted from their town positions. Wow, I’m so scared, I’m shaking in my knees. Not.
Is Elena going to get cool now that she’s a VAMPIRE? What are the spirits going to do to Bonnie? What is Pastor Freak’s deal? Is Elena going to struggle more with her decision now that she remembers and her emotions are going to be heightened? Will Matt stay human? Will Jeremy stay human? (Is Jeremy even human? Can he still see dead people? Spoilers say something’s going on with him...) Do you miss Alaric already? Will Katherine ever come back? Where art thou Elijah (I should probably know, but I forget)? I’m thinking that's it for now. There was probably more, but it didn’t excite me. But if it excited you, tweet about it, or comment below! Your opinions matter. Fo sho.