by Melissa Albert
This week, the fallout from the infamous Finn/Emma kiss is worse than Finn could possibly imagine (or so he believes). But love is in the air for the past and present kids of McKinley, who pair up in ways both foreseeable and surprising.
Finn and Rachel meet up at the Lima Bean for the requisite exes’ coffee date, and he tells her about the kiss. She advises him—Will’s best man, mind—to keep his mouth shut, and Emma, in wedding-planning meltdown mode, seconds the request.
Schue suspects nothing, and he gives the club a very personal weekly assignment: Wedding!!! He asks Finn to sing his best man speech, and names the rest of the club his wedding band. Oy. Not even on her wedding day can Emma outshine Schue’s band of singing children. We’d like to hear what Sue Sylvester has to say about that.
But Emma and Schue aren’t the only ones using Valentine’s Day to advance their romantic agenda: Jake wants to get in good with Marley (like, all the way in good), but he’s kind of a dope about love. Puck’s advice—take advantage of her eating disorder to save money on dinner, use that money to buy lingerie so she can put on a fashion show—isn’t cutting it, so Jake turns to good ol’ Ryder, his totally awesome friend who just happens to be in love with his girlfriend. Ryder the Martyr proceeds to give Marley the V-day of her life (flowers, jewelry, a classroom performance of Marvin Gaye’s "You’re All I Need to Get By"), while letting Jake take all the credit.
Without further ado, it’s Will and Emma’s big day! Everyone is feeling the love...except Emma. And Sue, who, in a hilarious gesture worthy of Grand Guignol, shows up wearing an exact replica of Emma’s wedding dress. Because why the hell not? She’s Sue Sylvester!
Then, in a brilliant use of Sondheim (more Sondheim, "Glee"!), Emma totally owns the patter song "(Not) Getting Married Today." It’s pretty fantastic—Emma doesn’t often get her own songs, but when she does, we like it. With Sue as her only witness, she flees the church and jumps into the nearest cab. ("Pick up a runaway bride" has got to be a square on the cabdriver’s Bingo card.)
In order to ward off disaster for a few minutes longer—or in order to transform the wedding into a surreal, identity-bending nightmare—Sue comes out in Emma’s place. “Emma has left the building,” she mutters to a shell-shocked Will.
Before running off to search for his would-be wife, Will lets the glee kids know that the reception should go on without him. Surprisingly, not a single glee kid blinks or even refers to Schue’s heartbreak for the rest of the night. Instead, they dance, sing (Blaine and Kurt’s "Just Can’t Get Enough" is particularly awesome), and take advantage of the hotel rooms just an elevator ride away from the party.
Blaine and Kurt hook up for an allegedly no-strings fling, but Blaine’s not having Kurt’s “this means nothing” casualness—and neither is Tina, who flies at Kurt with accusations about how he’s treating Blaine. He finally calls her out for being Blaine’s hag (somebody had to say it), and by episode’s end, the three are bouncing off to get ice cream together, just two hot boys and their Hagatha Christie (Tina’s words, not ours).
Rachel and Finn have a reunion of their own, but it’s considerably more fraught: “You are my girlfriend. We are endgame,” he insists, and after singing "We’ve Got Tonight," they ride the sexy wave of Seger to the nearest hotel room. Afterward, Rachel slips away while Finn’s still asleep.
Artie hooks up with Emma’s salty niece (played by "The Glee Project"'s Ali Stroker), who’s also in a wheelchair. Her crappy personality (she originally told Artie she “doesn’t date losers in a chair”) is apparently outweighed by her sizable rack, and they make plans for a second date after their party fling.
The most unexpected hookup (except on the fan-fic forums, no doubt)? Santana and Quinn! Santana is down on Valentine’s Day, and Quinn is down on men, so they decide to get down with each other.
And then there’s Marley and Jake. Though they make it to a room, Marley can’t go through with it. It would be pretty dang creepy for Jake to get lucky on the strength of Ryder’s Valentine game, so we’re glad it didn’t happen for them.
While Schue did not manage to get married on his wedding day, he can at least be proud to have gotten nearly the entire glee club laid.
When Rachel gets back to NYC, Brody’s decked out the apartment in V-day flair. After she casually admits to her indiscretion with Finn (who is this new, sexually enlightened Rachel?), Brody “reveals” that he spent Valentine’s Day at home watching weightlifting videos...but that’s not what the flashback immediately following his claim says! We see him exiting a hotel room on the night in question, while counting a stack of cash. Holy moley. Is Brody a GIGOLO?!?!
By the way, Marley knew her Valentine’s Day was sponsored by Ryder all along, and thanks him for the gifts. In response, he up and kisses her right in the halls of McKinley. This can only end badly.
And just when we thought the drama was over, just as we were settling in to enjoy the glee kids end-of-show performance of Ellie Goulding’s "Anything Could Happen"...something happened. A worried Rachel flips through her day planner, and what she sees makes her go pee on a stick. The episode fades to black just as she checks for that fateful little plus sign on her pregnancy test...
Song of the episode: Toss up between Emma’s “(Not) Getting Married Today” and Klaine’s “Just Can’t Get Enough.”
What did you think of last night's "Glee"? Will Schue and Emma ever tie the knot? Are Quinn and Santana one-and-done, or will they hook up again? Will a potential Rachel Jr. toss a wrench in Finn's future plans? Tell us everything in the comments and on Twitter!