Despite what you may be thinking, last night's "Girls" was not a Lana Del Rey tribute episode. The title is in reference to the theory that life is a simulated reality—something the government doesn't want you to know about. But, thankfully, Jessa's step-mom is on to them. Also, Jessa has a step-mom who is Rosanna Arquette—one of the many familial things we learned as the bohemian visited her father's upstate farm, with Hannah in tow.
Knowing Jessa, it's no surprise her father is the sort that leaves his daughter waiting, seemingly for hours, at the train station. She and Hannah languish so long, in fact, that Hannah pops a squat on the side of the tracks as an older couple looks on. Always a class act, that one. When Hannah complains about the wait, Jessa is quick to defend her father: "It's really lame that it bothers you," she says. "But thanks for coming though." Jessa, it's really lame that it doesn't bother you. But what can you expect from a girl who takes a butt text as a sign to visit her father?
Mr. Johansson finally arrives with a trunk-full of computers that would make even Bill Gates jealous. He blames his tardiness on an errand and a Camry driver.
At the farmhouse, step-mom Petula offers condolences for Jessa's failed marriage, then pulls Hannah aside to thank her for being "the cushion" during this awkward visit.
Jessa's father is less contrite about the divorce: "Maybe on some level you wanted it," he says. "Because, you know, we're not like other people."
Hannah wanders outside to meet the rest of the family, which includes a menagerie of rabbits and Petula's son Frank, who wears his turtleneck folded over. Hannah makes a grisly discover later at dinner, when she realizes her entree is the fluffy friend she had been petting earlier in the afternoon. "A rabbit a day keeps the doctor away," Petula chirps. Frank's friend Tyler (a hottie lacrosse player) crashes the dinner: Cut to Hannah, Jessa and the boys careening through New York's backroads in one of those scenes that in the hands of a teen movie would could conclude with a car crash and the star athlete face down in a pool of his own blood. But, instead, Hannah insists they pull over, and she flees into the woods with Frank at her heels. And then, as you do, the two have sex, and let's just say Frank is not super experienced.
When Hannah emerges from the woods and discovers Jessa didn't have sex with Tyler, she's horrified. "I thought that's what we were doing!" she exclaims.
"Really, Hannah? You had no idea this wasn't a sexcapade?" Jessa icily replies.
In bed that night, Jessa reveals to Hannah that she wasn't in the right frame of mind to see her dad—a revelation further evidenced by the gut-wrenching conversation father and daughter have the following morning. "You have no idea, do you?" Jessa asks her dad. "Of how much time I've spent waiting for you. How much sh-- I've taken because you never taught me how to do anything else."
Hannah, meanwhile, is facing the previous night's mistake. Frank won't concede that Hannah took his virginity because his first was a neighbor girl named Rihanna. Obviously. Also, he may be gay? Everyone seems to think he's in love with Tyler.
After their heart-to-heart, Mr. Johansson convinces Jessa to stay for dinner, dropping her and Hannah off at the store for supplies...except he never returns. The girls walk back to the farmhouse, where Jessa pulls her own vanishing act as Hannah painfully urinates in the bathroom. (Darn you, UTIs!) Hannah's left to make the trek to the train by herself, where she dials her parents to thank them for being such a support system for her. Mrs. Horvath takes the uncharacteristic compliment as a veiled insult and hangs up on her.
What did you think of last night's "Girls"? Where is Jessa off to? Did you miss the other ladies? Tell us in the comments and on Twitter!