by Melissa Albert
"Glee" went a shade darker this week, taking a (only somewhat shiny) look at sex work and dabbling in a storyline that’s got "internet predator" written all over it. Not to say that there weren’t mash-ups!
Last week, Finn came clean to Mr. Schue about his kiss with Emma. Schue responds to this epic betrayal by making Finn into his flunky, treating him like Anna Wintour treats a 22-year-old fashion intern.
Finally, Artie calls a summit to discuss. Shocker, everyone: Finn and Schue must work out their tensions through song, playing into this week’s glee club theme: epic musical feuds! Because according to Schue, “sorry won’t cut it.” That's right—an inconsequential singing contest is the only apology he’ll accept.
Rachel finds out that her pregnancy test positive was a false alarm (a thing that happens in real life almost NEVER), and Santana takes it as a sign that Rachel should take a "hard look at her choices." Specifically, her choice to date the plastic fantastic Brody.
And this is where we get to say I TOLD YOU SO: Brody’s no drug dealer, he’s a gigolo! When Rach thinks he’s off making wads of cash at a catering job, he’s lurking around a hotel lobby in a fly suit, picking up hot women. He’s not the only one: Scores of gigolos and the MILFs that love them swirl around the lobby and up the stairs, singing "How To Be a Heartbreaker."
This whole scene contributes to the fantasy that the life of a taut young gigolo is one well-kept older lady after another, when we suspect the real clientele is a little less, er, ladylike.
When Rachel won’t believe Santana’s “Mexican intuition” about Brody, Santana kicks it up a notch, showing up at a dance class Brody’s teaching at NYADA. She tells him he’s going to move out or be destroyed, and in case he didn’t hear her the first time, she underscores the message with a baller performance of Paula Abdul’s "Cold Hearted." Using his students as backup dancers, it’s '90s-music-video sexy.
“Pack your bags,” she says. I pity the fool who takes threats from Santana Lopez lightly.
Blaine’s got bitch problems of his own: Sue needs a male cheerleader who can lift a Cheerio in competition without getting too distracted by what’s under her skirt—and the legally binding contract she forged his signature on says that Blaine’s her man.
When he turns her down, she steals his identity, ruins his parents’ credit and puts cement in his hair. So he calls the police and has her arrested. No, just kidding. He challenges her to a musical feud! His adorably Blaine-like (i.e., heartfelt) performance of Mariah Carey’s “I Still Believe” is sadly trumped by Sue’s high-octane take on Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass,” but to be fair, her black light effects, floating feathers and armies of bewigged Cheerios might’ve given her the edge.
Defeated, he rejoins the Cheerios. But wait: He’s planning to work from the inside to bring Sue down! This has been a long time coming. The fall of Sue Sylvester, if it happens, will be more epic than any Minaj/Carey sing-off.
Ryder and Unique pair up for their own battle: Unique’s Madonna (“Dress You Up”) versus Ryder’s Elton John (“The Bitch is Back.”). No winner is declared, but Ryder’s still the loser, for refusing to accept Unique’s self-identification as a girl.
Good thing Ryder’s got a cute internet girlfriend he’s never seen to help set him straight! Throughout the episode, Ryder has creepy little online chats with an alleged blonde hottie, who gives him great life advice and requests “another shirtless picture.”
The “girl” (???) seems to know a lot about his life. When she asks about his crush on Marley, he tells her he’s moved on...and that he wants to meet IRL. His internet paramour doesn’t respond, then goes abruptly offline. And then a creepy sound effect plays! This just became our favorite subplot.
Our least favorite subplot is the one where the glee writers get all the junior-league glee kids together in a room, give them a bunch of stilted dialogue about friendship, and try to convince us that the show can survive after Brittany and the gang graduate. At least that scene was short.
Question: When two man-children perform a musical feud, whom do they choose to cover? Boy bands, of course! Finn and Schue pull on their Members Only jackets, strike a sexy pose and pit 'NSYNC's “Bye Bye Bye” (Schue) against the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way” (Finn).
Finn reeeally thought this singing thing would work, but even after they “get all the tension out” through song, Schue still won’t hug it out.
That’s it! Finn’s tried everything, and is now giving up and quitting assistant teaching and leaving town on a hobo train! Until Marley of all people tells him to nut the hell up and be his own man. Marley thinks this means going to school to get his teaching license, but Finn has other, odder things in mind.
But first, good news and bad news for Santana. The good news? She got a job at Coyote Ugly! Those drunk dudes aren’t gonna know what hit them (it’ll be Santana’s fists, after they get too fresh). And the bad news: Kurt and Rachel are FINALLY kicking her out. So ironic. After overlooking her many, many evictable offenses, they’re kicking her out for her justified attacks on Brody. (Not that Santana won’t land on her feet: She befriended Lena Dunham at Barney’s, and is going to crash with her for a while.)
But she’s got some unfinished business first. Brody goes to meet a customer in a hotel room, and whom should he find but a super-smug Santana, sitting on the bed. Then Finn steps out of the bathroom, and things get weird. First of all, is Lima like a 12-minute bus ride from New York now? Secondly, Finn demands that Brody disappear from Rachel’s life “like a ghost,” then wails on him while referring to Rachel as his “future wife.”
It’s really creepy, and there was a moment there where it looked like someone was gonna die. There were no fatalities, but Finn appears to have grown the balls that Marley commanded him to.
Then the glee junior class sings Tegan and Sara’s “Closer,” and nobody even cares because this episode is so full of delightful, unresolved intriguez!
Song of the episode: We want to give props to Santana, but must first recognize Sue’s insane, air-tight Minaj. And actress Jane Lynch for being game for anything.
What did you think of last night's "Glee"? Is Brody finally finished? Is Ryder getting Catfished? Will Blaine succeed in taking Sue down? Tell us everything in the comments and on twitter!