by Melissa Albert
The kids are in the choir room when the shooting begins.
Now there’s a sentence you never thought you’d read in a "Glee" recap. But let’s start at the beginning: brilliant meteorologist Brittany S. Pierce warns the glee club that a meteor is on its way to destroy the earth, which mainly leads to concerns over whether angels can have sex.
Though the meteor Brittany spotted later turns out to be a dead bug on the lens of her telescope, which turns out to be a Pringles can, it still inspires Schue to make the lesson of the week “last songs.” He asks the kids to think about the things they’d do if they were living their last few days on earth.
Ryder’s inspired to approach Katie, his secret internet girlfriend, after he spots her walking around the halls of McKinley. He sweeps her off her feet with Elton John’s "Your Song," but whoops! While she is, in fact, the girl pictured on Katie’s online profile, she’s not the person Ryder’s been pouring his heart out to. Has Ryder been Catfished? He’s heartbroken, but agrees via text to meet “Katie” the next afternoon outside the choir room.
Brittany tries to make amends with her cat, Lord Tubbington, who REFUSES to say he loves her, too. Sam’s no fan of the hot-and-cold kitty, but sweetly suggests she bring Tubbington to school for a serenade. Everyone sings "More than Words" to the cat, but he remains unimpressed.
Beiste makes Will a romantic locker-room dinner, and admits that she’s in love with him. Turns out he failed to tell her he’s gotten back with Emma! And Becky asks Brittany to never leave McKinley, so they can be high-school friends forever.
But everything falls away when, in the middle of glee rehearsal, two gunshots sound in the hallways. What follows are the longest passages of silence ever heard on “Glee.” The kids text and cry and crouch in silence. Someone rattles the doorknobs of the choir room. Betrayals are admitted to, and hugs are had. Sam is forcibly restrained by Beiste and Schue in his effort to go find Brittany, who, along with Tina, is missing from the room. Artie, the aspiring film director, records the kids giving what they believe could be their last statements.
Fearing he might never get to meet her, Ryder calls Katie—and the phone rings from somewhere inside the choir room! But he’s unable to track it down, because Schue's got the kids on lockdown (let’s just not question the fact that “Katie” apparently doesn’t have voicemail).
Then it’s all over, everyone’s accounted for, and a SWAT team starts combing the school for the shooter, the gun, and the wounded—but nothing is found.
The next day, metal detectors are installed at the doors of McKinley. Then Sue drops a casual bomb: She tells Beiste and Schue that it was her gun, which went off when she did her daily gun safety check. We smell a protein powder-huffing rat. What’s Sue hiding? And whom is she hiding it for?
Let’s distract ourselves with the fact that Schue took it upon himself to set up an online dating profile for Coach Beiste! Not the first response you’d want someone to have after you’ve told them you love them, but a nice gesture. Everything comes out okay when her very first contact comes from good ol’ former McKinley coach Ken Tanaka. Is he going to make a reappearance on the show?
Schue has one more stop before he can go home to Emma and her Easy-Bake Oven. As Sue packs up her office, he demands that she explain what she was thinking, keeping a gun at school—and in flashback it’s revealed that Becky, freaked out by the prospect of life after McKinley, brought her dad’s gun to school for protection. After it accidentally went off in her hand, Sue covered for her—and is now giving up her career to protect her.
And as the kids sing John Mayer’s "Say," Ryder waits in the hall for his mystery girl—but she never shows.
Song of the episode: For once, the songs weren’t the point—nor were they that great. Hey, did we mention that Sam carried a new cat (a girlfriend for Lord Tubbington) around in his backpack for a full day before gifting it to Brittany? We nominate the cat’s super sad “help me” meow as best song.
What did you think about last night's "Glee"?