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True BloodHide yo kids, hide yo wife: It's a "True Blood" season finale, and—as suggested by that screamy Bon Temps depopulation teaser they've been showing all week—they killin' ERRBODY out here.

Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Jesus, distracted by guilt over aiding in the murder of his good pal Marnie, is a little too slow to realize that Lafayette has been possessed by her. Too bad! A grievous fork-to-hand injury could've been avoided if he'd just paid a little attention—as could the very, very sad thing that happens next. Because Marnie's in control, and she wants Jesus' brujo magic... ALL of it, she says, and this can't mean anything good. But Laf's life is at stake, and Jesus agrees to hand over his powers. Marfayette stabs him in the heart and gets the Demon Cathead. Jesus, in exchange, gets dead.

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True BloodIt's the penultimate episode of this season, y'all, and it's about to get REAL. Outside the necromancer's hideout, four leather-clad, gun-toting vampires are ready to rumble. And inside, Marntonia's posse is starting to split between "peaceful Wiccans" and "people who love murder," with the latter category containing pretty much nobody but Marnie and Roy. Even Antonia is ready to call the whole thing off; after Marnie kills another coven member, Antonia evacuates and makes a break for it (Lafayette: "Marnie just puked a bitch out!"). But Marnie has grown too powerful, and back into her mouth goes the ghost.

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True BloodSo much for peace, love and tolerance. Martonia watches from above while her bewitched vamps go on a bloody tear through the Festival of Tolerance, all muttering, "Must... kill... the king!" in the same manner that a stumbling pack of zombies hollers for braaaaaaaaains. But wait, because this fight isn't over: Nan Flanagan destroys the cameras and stakes a would-be assassin with a pencil! Bill wounds his attackers with silver bullets! And, just when it looks like Eric might actually succeed in killing Bill, Sookie's on-again, off-again Faerie Weaponry comes on with its typical, day-saving vengeance. Eric is enveloped by a blast of golden light...

...and it all comes back.

We'll pause here while everyone sniffles, wrings their hands and mourns the sad-but-inevitable loss of that hooded sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. (I know, I know; he was actually starting to look really cute in it.)

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True BloodLet's just get this out of the way: Nobody actually thought Sookie was going to die on last night's "True Blood," right? Right.

Somewhere between the first scene and the end of the opening credits, Sooks apparently recovers from her gunshot wound enough to drink some of Bill's healing blood. Next thing, she's up like gangbusters and demanding that the search for Eric resume. Alcide, who's fed up with Sookie's loyalty-at-all-costs to the befanged, throws up his hands and flounces.

Alcide returns home to a fake-sleeping Debbie, who opens her glowing wolflady eyes to the scent of his NAKED BEAUTIFUL BUTT. OMG. Did that just happen? Yes, yes it did.

But more importantly, Sookie is right to be nervous. Eric is officially under Marntonia's control, and the witch has big plans for him: a command appearance at the vampires' big-deal tolerance festival. And we're starting to get a glimpse of just what an obsessive, unhinged bitch Antonia really is—when Tara, Holly and other coven members balk at her plans, she uses her powers to hold them all hostage. See, you guys? See? This is what happens when you just spontaneously resurrect a vengeful 16th century necromancer without thinking through all the consequences!

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Oh, "True Blood," how tangled and soap opera-esque your romances and relationships have become. Some may argue that the love connections have always been complicated, what with all the human-on-supernatural action and such, but in my opinion things are getting a bit convoluted in this fourth season.

The most intriguing of the recent character hook-ups, in my opinion, is Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) and Jason (Ryan Kwanten)—and not necessarily because of the twisted way in which their make out came about in Sunday's episode. When MTV News ran into lovely Deborah recently, we asked for her commentary on both the state of Jessica and Hoyt, as well as the relationship possibilities for Jessica and Jason.

"Here's the amazing thing about our writers, we thought through the first three seasons that they did such a good job bringing [Hoyt and Jessica] together, that they would never be able to break us up," Deborah revealed. "And then this season, even from what we've seen so far, they've done such a good job making it look impossible for Hoyt and Jess to make it, so I actually have total faith in them that if they want to reverse it and bring us back together, that they could do it."

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True BloodWe were all on tenterhooks after last week's "Jessica meets the sun" cliffhanger, but the "True Blood" suspense doesn't last long: Jason tackles her as she starts to sizzle, pushes her inside, and kicks the door closed behind him. Not only that, but when the spell breaks a half-second later, they totally make out...

...which prompts Jess to head home as soon as she heals and instantly break up with Hoyt. He blubbers and sobs and begs her to stay, telling her he'll die if she doesn't love him. Jessica's response?

"Then DIE!" she screams, and smashes his head in!
And then goes outside to meet Jason!
Who suggests that they have sex right then and there while she drinks his blood!

And it's all just a little too much, which is why we're not surprised when it turns out to be just a dream—albeit one that reveals a lot about how Jessica feels about Hoyt these days. But when she actually does go home to break his heart, the real Hoyt is cold, angry and mean. He hurls accusations, says some very nasty things about her vampire-issue eternal virginity and then rescinds her invitation to their house.

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True BloodEric and Sookie have taken their make out inside (and a substantial portion of Sook's clothes off!), but it doesn't last long before Bill bursts in and breaks it up like the love-hating fangblocker that he is. Eric, learning that Bill is his king, kneels contritely and calls him "my liege." Bill registers extreme surprise; he and Sookie commence spatting.

"If you ever loved me, you won't hurt him," she whines.
Bill replies, "This is strictly business. Vampire business." As in, sorry Sook, NO FAERIE SLUTS ALLOWED!

Now imprisoned in vampire jail, Eric finds himself sharing a cell with Pam, who is looking rough and melty. She's not a fan of this new-and-improved, gentle amnesiac version of her maker and keeps trying to snap him out of it, but Eric—who's now heard from multiple sources just what an a-hole he used to be—says that he doesn't want to remember his old self.

Meanwhile, Bill informs Nan Flanagan that all necromanced vamps are in custody...and requests permission to stake Eric for the sake of "everyone's safety."

Eric, still super-sweet and sorry, says that he doesn't expect mercy, but maybe Bill could free Pam to go finish decaying in the privacy of her own home? And also, tell Sookie he was born the night she found him and now he knows what love is? And that he can tell they still care about each other, and he's really rooting for the two of them to work it out once he's gone? And...and...can this really be the end of Eric Northman?

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With Joe Lee's choke chain pulling tighter around his neck, it looks like Tommy may have snarfed his last Snausage. He slumps to the ground unconscious...only to leap up when Joe Lee's back is turned. There's some scuffling, and Joe Lee goes down, and so does Melinda, who gets knocked aside in an attempt to save her abusive d-bag of a husband. And now they're dead!

Having killed three-quarters of his family, Tommy seeks help at Big Brotha's House, where the ever-forgiving Sam agrees to help him dispose of the bodies. Their plan hits a brief snag when Andy "Aggro Addict" Bellefleur pulls the van over and demands to search the back, but Tommy makes the first good decision of his life and shifts into a big, scary alligator rather than murdering Andy with a shovel. And out in the dark, dank swamp, Sam and Tommy watch as Mom and Joe Lee become gator chow. Tommy is suddenly worried about going to hell, so Sam comforts him by confessing that he, too, has killed people. Aww! Nothing like a little brotherly bonding between a pair of murderin' fools.

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When we last saw Eric Northman, he'd just drained Claudine like a human juicebox, despite Sookie's horrified protestations. And now, here's a new wrinkle on meek, amnesiac season four Eric: happy-go-lucky drunk Eric! Turns out that faerie blood has a powerful intoxicating effect, and Mr. Northman is stumbling around like a Real Housewife after one too many lunchtime highballs. Sookie stalks away toward the house. Eric follows her and...pinches her butt.

Butt-pinching! It ain't biting, but it'll do.

And then, because Drunk Amnesiac Eric is a very naughty boy indeed, he flips Sook a wave and bolts for whereabouts unknown.

Several hours later, Sookie is still looking for him—in broad daylight, which Eric is happily running around in thanks to the sun-deflecting effects of his Claudine cocktail. And since a search like this calls for someone with a good nose, she's called Alcide back to help. He strips down and shifts (and HOLYOMG, did we almost just see Alcide's were-wang?!), and off they go to the forest, where they discover Eric frolicking in a pond.

Yes, frolicking.

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Bad news: Eric Northman didn't manage to recover his memory in those few seconds that seem to have elapsed since the last episode of "True Blood," so it looks like we may be stuck with the muddle-brained, uncoiffed version of our favorite Viking vampire for at least another couple weeks. Which sucks, because Amnesia Eric is approximately 1000% less interesting than Regular Eric. The lobotomized stare? The doing whatever Sookie says? The hair?! It's all different! And wrong! This is worse than the last Facebook overhaul!

Sookie brings Amnesiac Eric back to her place with a few ground rules (namely: no biting, since pretty much the only thing Eric does remember is that he's a vampire. He also keeps calling her "Snooki.") Conveniently for Sooks, Eric has forgotten he owns the house. He's polite. He's submissive. He's ticklish.

He's PATHETIC.

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