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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

This week’s "Vampire Diaries" has brought me to the following conclusion: Executive producers Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson must read my recaps. It’s the only logical explanation for how a mere two weeks after I confronted them via internet about cheating us out of meeting more Originals they’ve introduced us to TWO NEW ORIGINALS! (Hello, Kol and Finn!) I am so excited I could burst. In fact, I’ve already burst. My sanity has probably burst, because I am so overwhelmed that I’m convinced they are actually listening to me, when in reality, I’m just so obsessed with this show that we are on the same wavelength.

So now that I’m on the same page as Julie and Kevin, let’s (you and I) get us on the same page. Starting with:

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

All right, "Vampire Diaries." When I’ve repeatedly told you that all I care about is history and character development and Originals, I meant it. So, I think we have a slight communication problem. It’s understandable, considering I write these recaps in my apartment and you are a TV show, so you obviously can’t read, lacking human qualities and such, plus even if you could read, I doubt you’d read what I write (although you totally should, obviously). That being said, I’ll take what I can get, so thank you for introducing us to Bonnie’s mom, Abby Bennett. She is clearly not an original vampire, but that is where Elijah comes in. Oh yes, he returned. We’ll get to that. It was a cheap trick, though, because I specifically asked for ORIGINAL VAMPIRES WHOM WE HAVE NOT YET MET. At some point, "TVD," you’re going to have to stop stringing me along. Let’s hope it’s soon after February 2, because, yeah, you’re going on a mild hiatus, again! WHAT THE HECK! Oh, we’ll get to that, too. We’ll get to that, too.

First things first, though!

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

Tonight’s opening scene must’ve broken a record: It only took one episode post-hiatus for "The Vampire Diaries" to remind us of Damon’s impeccable hygiene. Frankly, I’m becoming a bit concerned with Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson’s obsession with Damon’s body cleansing. Are you trying to tell us something? Is Damon’s showering a symptom of OCD? Are you trying to tell us that the other characters don’t shower or bathe? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Okay, I get that he’s hot and you want us to see him all naked and steamy and such, and it’s become a running (water? Hey, if they can make stupid jokes I can include silly puns) joke, but we’re over it: It’s getting old. Just thought you guys should know.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, we can discuss the rest of this episode, focusing on what would have been Caroline’s 18th birthday, had she not been, well, dead. Oh, and lest you forgot about last week’s epic kiss between Damon and Elena, I’m reminding you. It’s important. Just saying.

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

Last we left Mystic Falls, Stefan had completely botched the plan to kill Klaus by saving that crazy hybrid’s ass. And he did this, you'll recall, because Klaus was one step ahead of our fair heroes: If he died, he had all his hybrid minions ready to kill Damon. And Katherine found this out, and convinced Stefan to tap into his humanity to save Damon, and then to klepto those coffins Klaus carts his family around in. To exact revenge. Of course, Damon and Elena and everybody else didn’t know all of this information; they just thought Stefan was lost to them forever. So Klaus killed Mikael, skipped town, granted Stefan his freedom and Stefan skipped town, too. Or so we thought…

So, to ease us into this fairly action-packed triumphant return of an episode, we will start with the best quote of the evening:

Damon: "Oh, c’mon. I can’t drink all this by myself. I mean, I can, but then somebody’s getting naked."

Of course, he is saying this to Alaric at the Grill, because as we all know these two guys can’t get enough of this watering (alcoholing) hole. And just as he delivers this line, some random chick (waitress?) smiles. Get away, random waitress chick! If anyone’s getting naked with Damon, it’s going to be Katherine (GOD, I wish she was back already), or Elena, or me… I mean, what?

Okay, let’s get down to business.

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

I am still processing. I am still processing. I need about 10 yoga classes and 46 deep, cleansing breaths to finish processing all of the insane information I have been waiting a full season to find out. And now, I’ve basically found it all out! My mind is in overload, I cannot handle it, Namaste.

Now of course, me being me, I still want to know more. Because knowing one thing is never enough! I must know all things! I must! I must! But let’s go over the main stuff first, and then we’ll get to my very small disappointments from last night's "Ordinary People."

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

If Mystic Falls wasn’t enough of a weird, supernatural vortex for you (vampires, werewolves and hybrids, included) than last night’s influx of ghosts must’ve made you pretty happy. You know who else was pretty happy? Basically, no one. Starting with...

Damon. As the episode opened, dude was tied up and bound in a chair. I, for one, had a sneaking suspicion that this was not going to turn into the S&M scene we’ve all been waiting for, but a girl can dream. Who had tied Damon up if it wasn’t sexy Katherine (is she alive?!), or finally-succumbing-to-the-tension Elena, or evil-ripper Stefan? Mason Lockwood, of course! The dead, ghostly werewolf. Damon couldn’t see him, but using his smarts, figured out that the torture scene that unfolded was parallel to the scene in which he killed dear Mason. So, he went to find...

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

As per usual, so much crazy stuff happened on last night’s episode. Like, Tyler was creepily loyal to Klaus! The kids actually went back to school! Stefan and Rebekah enrolled too! Matt tried doing some magic for dummies and then Bonnie had to reverse the spell! And Jeremy totally emotionally cheated on Bonnie with Anna, again! But, as you may have expected, I don’t really care about any of it, because all I can care about is the fact that Katherine succeeded in awaking Mikael. AND HE STARTED TO FEED ON HER! THAT IS RIGHT! THE VAMPIRE WHO KILLS OTHER VAMPIRES MAY HAVE KILLED KATHERINE AND I AM FREAKING OUT LIKE NEVER BEFORE AND IF SHE IS DEAD I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY THAT I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER FORGIVE JULIE PLEC AND KEVIN WILLIAMSON.

Ahem. Apologies for the outburst. Now that I think about it, I do kind of care about the other things. Just not as much as I care about Katherine. OMG, I can’t even type her name without freaking out. Somebody help.

OK. Let’s focus on something calming. Like explaining every not calm, incredibly crazy-important thing that happened last night.

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Ian Somerhalderby Cassie Title

Damon may have tried to kill two people, Katherine offed one, Jeremy talked to his ghost girlfriend as though she were alive, and Stefan was all gruesome drinking human blood, but the most disturbing behavior was my own for even giving this episode two minutes of my recapping time. Sure, a couple of important things happened, but compared to last week’s, and my high, high hopes of excellence, this episode was bo-ring. I want history, magic, mystery, and then when you think there's enough in it, I want more. And I want it in next week’s episode. And I’m totally in a position to be making such demands.

In my disappointed state, here's what I have to say:

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

To whomever crafts the "previously on 'The Vampire Diaries'" clips,

I do not appreciate false advertising. Including Katherine in the aforementioned clip was a thoughtless, inconsiderate tactic. You should be ashamed of yourself. Oh, how you led me on.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way (you didn’t think I could actually go an entire recap without obsessing over Katherine and hoping against hope that she’d somehow return, did you?), we can move on to discussing last night’s episode. Although we’re not really discussing it, if you know what I mean. I’m merely writing about it, and maybe you’ll write some comments later. But it’s more of a one-sided discussion—a monologue shall we say—with me playing that teacher who says "we’re going to talk about this today," and in reality she just means that she’s going to talk about this today. Well, class, today’s topic is "The Hybrid." Here are some bullet points for your notes:

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Vampire Diariesby Cassie Title

You know when your favorite TV series goes on hiatus for four months, and you’re so obsessed with its fictional world that you start to expect the characters to miss you as much as you’ve missed them? And you secretly "know" that they’ll return, in all their supernatural, dramatic glory at 8 p.m. on September 15, unbearably miserable because they’ve been without you all summer?

Yeah. Welcome to my pitiful existence when "The Vampire Diaries" isn’t on. And just to add salt to my already very deep wounds, the Mystic Falls gang has been busy all summer, not missing me in the slightest. Here are all of the really cool things they’ve been doing besides commiserating with my loneliness, they caused.

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